WHAT THE HELL, FOX SOCCER CHANNEL?

Okay, look, Fox Soccer Channel. I've offered to bear your tiny digital babies before, since you let me roll out of bed every Saturday morning and watch nothing but soccer all day long. EPL, Italian League, MLS, you name it. I can fall asleep watching you and dream of nothing but sweaty men with clearly defined calf muscles running around and shouting.

But seriously, I kind of love you. I mean, I'm an Arsenal supporter, and Lord knows you've fallen all over yourself to provide me with nothing but Arsenal matches all season. This lady's not going to complain.

Here's a question, though. This weekend? Is Chelsea/Manchester United. And it's kind of a Big Fucking Deal. And what are you airing?

Day/Date	Home/Visitor	Kickoff (ET)
Sat./April 26	Sunderland/Middlesbrough	10:00 AM
Sat./April 26	Tottenham/Bolton	12:00 PM*
Sat./April 26	Wigan/Reading	2:00 PM*
Sun./April 27	Everton/Aston Villa	11:00 AM

EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME? The clincher for the Prem is airing and you're going to make me watch Tottenham and Bolton? I...I don't even understand.

Here's the clincher, kids. The title deciding fucking game of the entire Premiere League is getting shuttled off to their secondary cable network. How secondary is the network? So secondary that there are exactly two pubs in the entire Philadelphia region that even carry the fucking channel.

I can't even begin to wrap my brain around this, you guys. This is like the Super Bowl being carried on the NFL Network.

Whatever, have a picture of Wayne Rooney, because at least he's a fucking thug. Note: He's not remotely hot, and I apologize for that, but I kind of love him anyway. Tell no one.

Note: I'm actually hoping for a plane to land on the stadium and take out both teams.