Schadenfreude, You Are My Most Loyal Companion

I have but seven true loves in my life. They are as follows:

7. Jeremy Shockey

6. Days which have a high temperature of 60 degrees and under

5. Corn on the cob

4. A well executed public Rickroll

3. New Kids On The Block (make fun of me and I will SMITE YOU)

2. The NFL

1. People getting booed at the Draft

That's right, folks. I take pleasure in these poor fools, most of whom can barely even rent a car, getting humiliated on a national stage. And if the people doing the humiliating are middle-aged drunk bastards wearing face paint? Even better. I mean, it literally took me 5 minutes to stop crying from glee after this gem:

The unfortunate thing about the dark period that begins the first Sunday after the Pro Bowl (you bet you sweet ass I watch it) and ends with the start of mandatory training camp, is that my life becomes a black abyss completely void of all sports, and therefore, joy. Basketball? Wake me up after the playoffs end in roughly 10 years. NASCAR? Hell no. Golf? Only if I'm playing it on a Wii. Baseball? Well, the best description of baseball I ever read was in my most favorite book of all time ever, A Prayer For Owen Meany, in which it was described as "a game with increasingly heightened anticipation of increasingly limited action." Word, John Irving. Word.

But I digress. In order to protect my precious brain from those things which bore the ever-loving shit out of me, I completely stop watching ESPN in the offseason. That, combined with the fact that I could give a rat's ass about college football (unless it's the Longhorns - Hook 'Em!), means that I know virtually NOTHING about this year's draft class. The only player I'm familiar with is Chris Long, and that's just because I wanted to see if his head is as square as his father's (Answer: yes - although if you look here, you will see that it vaguely resembles the state of Ohio).

I'm trying to school myself on the future of the NFL, but I find myself unable to get past this Wikipedia entry on Darren McFadden filed, interestingly, under "Character Concerns":

" McFadden's selection number in the upcoming draft is subject to varying speculation. He has been criticized for possible character concerns that stem from two nightclub altercations and the hiring of a lawyer to handle his paternity problems. McFadden is expecting a potential child later this year, as one of two paternity tests came back negative, with the other test results due sometime in mid-April."

Potential children? Nightclub altercations? If he makes it rain, you can sign me right the hell up for that train wreck.

If we can look past the rankings, value charts, and debates over who is going to be this year's Mike Williams, I think we can all agree that this year we won't see a moment as enjoyable as a crestfallen Brady Quinn seeing his NFL dreams slip quickly out of his grasp, or anything remotely close to being as completely fucking AWESOME as this:

My main concern with this draft isn't who my SUPER BOWL CHAMPION GIANTS (SUCK IT PATRIOTS, SUCK. IT. HARD.) are going to pick up to help them make another run at kicking the shit out of Tom Brady (yes, I know I'm kidding myself here), it's who's going to get booed. I don't know about you people, but I'm hoping it's Mel Kiper, Jr. Perhaps the concentrated ire directed straight at his dome piece will finally be enough to get his hair to deflate. C'mon Saturday!