October is a fine month

First off, a big shout-out to my company for deciding to unblock Blogger so I can post from my job. Sometimes brown does work for you.

It's October, which is a sports lover's dream month--the NFL is in full swing as are the baseball playoffs, so some thoughts on each whether you like it or not.

The NFL
The Miami Dolphins have a better record than the Seattle Seahawks. As some friends can attest to I was devastated when the Jets (GAH *&$^#@( MANGINI okay I'm better now) released Chad Pennington and had my doubts when he was signed to the Dolphins, but he's proven to be a good fit. I don't think they'll set the world on fire, but don't be surprised if they go .500 this year.

Really, I didn't laugh when Tom Brady got hurt. Swear. The husband's my witness. The Patriots also have living proof that one can play in the NFL without having started a game since high school.

If you don't think offensive lines are that important, the 2007 St. Louis Rams and the 2008 Indianapolis Colts would like a word with you.

I must declare Oakland Raiders fans to be the most dedicated (or delusional) in the NFL. Seriously, your team is getting blown out 41-7 by the Broncos ... but yet the stands are still full and everyone's still cheering and yelling RAAAAIIIDDERRRRRS. Okay, there were a few yelling AL DAVIS NEEDS TO DIE but overall very into it. Respect the Black Hole, y'all.

Is anyone other than me surprised that Marvin Lewis still has a head coaching job? True, the Bengals have some of the worst ownership in the NFL but I don't think anyone expected the current 0-for the season. Can they just not play ... or do they just not care? Somehow I think it's the latter. I think there's a similar situation in St. Louis, whose ownership is also in turmoil. But hey, at least they're not 0-fer anymore.

MLB
So for the first time in thirteen years the Yankees didn't make the playoffs. That's what happens when you don't have pitching and nobody's hitting worth a damn. Being a Yankees fan as long as I have I have drawn the conclusion that the Yankees are in their off decade. They were decent in the seventies, sucked in the eighties, ruled in the nineties, faded away in the oughts. C'mon, 2010!

The Tampa Bay Rays, a team who has been in last place since their inception, is probably going to win the World Series this year. And if Joe Maddon doesn't get Manager of the Year I officially sanction a protest riot. With the exception of Carl Crawford and a couple of others this is an incredibly young team (the oldest pitcher in their rotation is James Shields, who's a doddering 26). Tampa's ownership also seems a bit more willing to cough up so they may not lose any to free agency.

The Atlanta Braves are dead. Long live the Philadelphia Phillies as the reigning NL East Dynasty. Another good young team with a great manager. I don't think they'll win the WS, but they'll make it interesting.

Boston Red Sox fans gloated when the Yankees failed to make the postseason ... only to watch in horror as their team implodes in the ALCS. Ironically, the pitcher who usually gives Sox fans fits, Daisuke Matsuzaka, has been the steady one. Josh Beckett, the notorious October stud, looked lost and uncertain on the mound (and may not be fully healthy) while Jon Lester, who is rapidly overtaking Beckett as the Sox's ace, looked like he was pitching batting practice. Add in the very cold bats and watch the bandwagoners flee.

Final WS prediction--Rays in six.

We've Only Just Begun...

Prompted by USC's loss to Oregon State, I came here to write a pithy editorial about how you can never tell what will happen in college football, and September is way too early to discuss the BCS. Imagine my dismay when I discovered Michael Rosenberg had already written it.

Michael Phelps, You Are Cordially Invited To A Party...

In my pants. Said party commences immediately, now that you have some time and energy after swimming one of the most grueling programs in the history of the Olympics, winning more gold medals than any Olympian EVER, winning more gold medals in a single Olympics than anyone EVER, and breaking SEVEN world records in the process.

Also encouraged to attend the party in my pants are your eight gold medals, your seven world records, and all of your relay teammates, ESPECIALLY one Mr. Jason Hotass Lezak. You're pretty fucking awesome, Phelps, but we all know this wouldn't have been possible without that other lightning fast hotness.

Required attire: Nothing but swim caps, baby. Actually, Phelps is the only one required to wear the cap. For my own personal reason.

The shindig should look like this, but with less clothing:



Oooooh.

I can't even, like, form a coherent thought when I look at that group of manflesh. I wish there were a way for me to be the meat in that quadruple decker sammich. Perhaps I can work something out with the magic of Photoshop? I dunno.

It's been a long seven days of suspense, people, so let's just sit back and look at that bod, think nasty thoughts, and then look at the bod again:



Speedo, I do believe I owe you some royalties for the appearances these trunks make in my dreams. But just a very small percentage, since they're not on for long.



Oh, to be the person attached to that hand (without the artificial nails, of course). Or even that granola bar. Hell, at this point I'll take what I can get.



Um......

Phelps, I love you so much I don't even care that you cup your left breast during the National Anthem. You know that's not where your heart is, right? Well, you're a superhuman, so perhaps that IS where your heart is located...



Not only is this fine gold medal winning machine an excellent athlete AND easy on the eyes, HE'S ALSO TRYING TO SAVE ELLIS ISLAND:



AAAAAAAND I'M SPENT

The Prem is back, baby; Samson no longer.

After waking up to watch my broken Gooners at a godforsaken hour, I've managed to accomplish exactly nothing today save sitting on my ass with my feet in my husband's lap while we both watch soccer.

We've made it through Arsenal's win (far, far closer than I would have liked, so if my team could be something other than injured soon, that would be awesome) and Blackburn's completely crazy topping of Everton. (Nothing says Prem League heart attack like a 94th minute goal to win the match. By which I mean 'HOLY SHIT I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT EVEN HAPPENED.)

Really, though, I'm taking one major thing away from today.

Thank fuck Fernando Torres cut his hair.

People, we went from this monstrosity:



to this:



It's not perfect, but it's better. Of course, the fact that he looks like he's about eight in that picture makes me feel kind of gross, but whatever. He cut his hair, he scored the winning goal. It's Fernando Torres' world, y'all. We're just living in it.

For the record, in the 12 minutes it has taken me to find a properly terrible picture of 'Nando's old hair and write out this post, West Ham has managed to hang two on Wigan. That's just sad.

I hate you, Comcast Cable

We have Olympics Fever here at Bitchball. After an Opening Ceremony that would cause even a casual Luddite to go running for the hills (seriously, can we talk about the gigantic tablet PC, more or less, that was the floor of that stadium last night? Or the fact that Lisa and I, more than once, sent each other messages over AIM that simply read 'WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOLY GOD THIS IS AMAZING' since, obviously, one does not need punctiation or lower case letters when one is having ones mind blown by a bunch of Communists and trying to avoid thinking about China's shittastic human rights record. Bonus points for not flinging things at the TV every time Bush or, even worse [today] Putin showed up on screen. Who starts a god damn war the day the Olympics start? Who?), the games are in full swing, and I am already fully prepared to choke a bitch.

You see, NBC did the US a favor and created a whole channel dedicated to men's and women's soccer (WHEE), and men's and women's basketball (bleh) because, well, there are a lot of games, and some people (*coughcoughme*) want to see all of them. It's a smart move, and it really frees them up to air some of the events that otherwise wouldn't see the light of day. As I am a huge Olympics whore, I wholeheartedly approve of the fact that I actually got to see the women's fencing medal event (WHAT UP, US SWEEP) because NBC could put the US/Japan women's match on the soccer channel.

There's just one problem. Not everyone gets the soccer channel or the basketball channel. In fact, not even all customers of a given cable provider get the channels. I? Do not get these channels, as a subscriber of Comcast of Philadelphia. Comcast of New Jersey? Gets the channels. Comcast of Delaware? Gets them. Comcast Philadelphia, the HOME GODDAMN MARKET of Comcast Cable, site of the massive Comcast Building, CAN'T GET THE GOD DAMN SOCCER CHANNEL?! So...basically, I'm going to get exactly no soccer the entire Games? Great.

Here's the thing: I know I'm going to get to see some games, and I know that I'll get to see all or most of the US men's and women's games. (I have not so much faith in the men's team, but whatever, we'll see.) That's fine. But I want to see more. I want to see the Brazil matches, because I want to see how Ronaldinho's leg holds up. I want to know if the Dutch team is as good as they look on paper. Shit, I want to see how the Ivory Coast holds up in their first Olympic Games. (For men's soccer, anyway.) But no. Because Comcast Philadelphia isn't carrying the channels. Instead, I get Fox Reality Channel airing shit like 'The World's Trashiest Weddings.'

A pox on you, Comcast Philadelphia. Give me my damn soccer. Whatever. I'm going to go watch Michael Phelps beat the shit out of the rest of the world. Homina. (For the record, I'm thirteen years old and swimming delights me solely because the announcers keep talking about the quality of various strokes.)

But hey: the Prem starts in a week. Sing it with me, people: FUCK. CHELSEA.

Take a look at the US Men's Team, would you? They're all about fourteen years old. The Olympics make me feel like a pervy old lady.

NBC already sucks

The day has arrived! It’s officially 8.8.08, which means the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing have started! (Yes, I know soccer technically started earlier this week. Cut me some slack.) In fact, Day 1 is already over…and herein lies the problem.

Instead of broadcasting LIVE from the opening ceremony, NBC showed The Today Show, choosing to “save” the ceremony for primetime. In fact, the cast of Today show spoke about the ceremony as if wouldn't be happening for another 12 hours, despite the dark sky in the background. Because Americans are too stupid to notice that and don’t understand time zones, anyway, right?

Really? NBC couldn’t preempt Today for live Olympic coverage? I mean, it’s once every two years. Or maybe show the ceremony on one of the other (many) NBC channels? CNBC, maybe? OK, the stock market’s open today, so that’s out. What about MSNBC? All that's being shown there is news, anyway. Or USA? Reruns of Monk, for Christ’s sake. Or that weird Universal channel? I didn’t catch what was running this morning (NOT the Olympics), but I’ll bet it was some B-movie with Jean-Claude Van Damme.

But, fine. NBC wants to keep the ceremony in primetime, attempting to boost ad revenue and gaining a larger audience. I get it (sort of). Personally, I don’t think showing the live ceremony would cut into the primetime audience that much. Lots of people are at work right now and will wait until primetime, anyway. Plus, in the age of DVR, who watches commercials?

Honestly, I didn’t really expect this year to be an exception for NBC. This is typical of American programming, but it still makes me angry. All I can hope is that most of the events are shown live. Given NBC's track record, I know I'm delusional. But at the very least, NBC, tell us the truth about when things are happening in Beijing. Some of us aren’t as dumb as you think.

[This post has been brought to you by my Olympic boyfriend, Andreas Thorkildsen.]

Why Experiment With Solutions When There Are Children?

(For some background on this, you may want to check out this great read from The New Republic, even if you aren't a basketball fan)

So Sonny Vaccaro has finally grabbed the NCAA by the balls, like he's been plotting in some Mafia den to do for years now. Ridiculously skinny yet talented point guard Brandon Jennings, the next BIG THING in college hoops, has decided to not attend the University of Lute Olsen, and instead sign a pro contract in Europe for a year, before entering the 2009 NBA Draft.

Ever since the NBA instituted its one year policy, we've been waiting for this moment. Everyone thought it would be Orange Juice Mayonnaise and Billy Walker (both close friends of Vaccaro) to be the pioneers of this continent-hopping way of going pro straight out of high school, but they instead joined the One Year of College Class of 2008 (or, an awkward sorta year and a half in Bill's case) that produced one of the greatest, strangest years of college ball to date.

For Jennings himself, it's hard to say how it will play out. College or pro, the boy needs to put on weight at some point. His game right now is Steve Nash-esque, but with dunking and other more uh, exciting facets. But regardless...he needs strength for when he'll face the bigger guards that he'll inevitably face in the NBA, and now, probably in Europe too.

I have mixed feelings on this issue for Jennings. I think he's stupid to pass up a chance to work with Lute Olsen, one of the greatest basketball minds alive. There is no guaranteeing his European coach will click with him, or even speak English. Arizona is also a hell of a lot closer to LA than uh, Europe. Even if his family moves with him, will cultural changes still bother him? The longer schedule is probably nothing. He's been at Oak Hill for 2 years, which plays longer schedules than teams in the Final Four. But it's the little things. What if this demoralizes him, stumps his basketball growth, or just exposes weaknesses that turn GMs off? And it can't be about the pay. He's not gonna get a million dollar contract. Hell, NCAA boosters will probably do him better.

I just worry about the kid because I like his game and attitude, but I don't think this path is as glorified as it seems, and unfortunately, Vaccaro might ruin Jennings' life.

It sickens me because this is about punishment to the NCAAs for Vaccaro, who he rightfully believes is a soul-sucking institution that unfairly profits off of its players, without providing them with adequate educations or anything more than a chance to hone their game. I have issues with the NCAAs that are in a similar vain. At the same time, Vaccaro is EXPERIMENTING with a boy's LIFE, just to get back at the NCAAs. He whispered sweet nothings to Jennings, things that might hurt him much more than Rodney Guillory and OJ Mayo's bad marriage. Oh, sure, it could work out great for him too, and probably end college hoops as we know it today. Instead of the NCAA profiting, Europe will! And we know America LOVES supporting foreign economies rather than their own.

The fact is, both the NCAA and NBA need to be working together for some form of reform. While they act like they are separate institutions, fact is that the NCAA is a funneling system into pro sports where basketball is concerned. I've been an advocate for awhile of actually developing athlete-friendly curriculums at schools, where they can take classes in life skills and financial management and such to PREPARE them for the pros beyond on the court. It's gotten to a point where it's just silly to fool ourselves into thinking the NBA can institute a rule more similar to the NFL's, where the kids have to almost finish or finish college. Kids have been allowed straight into the NBA for far too long. Trying to do that now would mean ALL of college would go to Europe for 3-4 years. Someone fucked up way back, but that doesn't mean we can't get creative now, and do something to actually HELP the kids now for the 1 year or so they stay.

And yes, I'm an old man with this. I would prefer I see kids playing ball for 4 years still. But I realize times have changed, and rather than whine and bitch, let's figure out something that actually works, that teaches and prepares the kids and makes the most of their short stops onto the NBA.

But experimenting with a kid's life and career is not the best first solution. Congratz Sonny, because you did win. You stuck it to the NCAAs, because they're too busy counting their March Madness revenue to bother coming up with a plan to counteract their problems. Now let's hope that ALL of these people haven't already ruined the promising career of the next great point guard.