A-B-C 1-2-3

Diversion of the Day: If you read my first post ever at this blog, then you know my feelings about Kobe winning the NBA MVP award. I just think the process is BS, and clearly has been a way to reward Kobe for finally having a winning season without Shaq, even though his individual feats other seasons were probably more impressive (and resulted in more L's). Never mind that the Laker's team success is largely due in part to the arrival of Pau Gasol, and Lamar Odom FINALLY playing a full season. The NBA tends to retroactively grant MVPs these days, so I guess CP3 will win it sometime in the next 27 years. He still owns your soul, and that goes double for the Spurs.

Also, though the Celtics/Cavs don't tip off for another couple hours, and the Pistons are already up 2-0 on the Magic, PLEASE drop the "ZOMG THE CELTS AND PISTONS STRUGGLED SO MUCH IN THE FIRST ROUND WTF" talk. I'd be bored and unmotivated to play too if sub-.500 teams were allowed in the playoffs. The Pistons are already proving the point that real playoff teams are worthy of a real effort, and if you don't think the Celtics are excited about stopping the Cleveland BronBron's, then you've probably never played and/or watched competitive athletics in your lifetime.

So, onto something else irrelevant. The NBA Draft Early Entry Deadline came and went while I was hauling my life across the Mason-Dixon Line, and now I'm waiting for June 16th, when I get to laugh at the mopes who foolishly lose their remaining eligibility for non-guaranteed contracts and the NBDL.

Now, what determines whether or not a kid should declare? If I had it my way, we'd go back to the 1960s and they'd play all 4 years - but I'm a biased college basketball lover who generally ignores the NBA until playoff time. But it's the real world, and everybody wants that paper. So what else can be used?

Well, for starters (and the focus of much of this upcoming "series")...coming off a fairly awesome year tends to help. I've written numerous papers and posts and bathroom wall writings as to why Michael Beasley should stay his fine red behind at K-State, but in all honesty, you don't get a season much more perfect than his was individually (besides that 5 point aberration against Xavier, but he left his shoes in Kansas...on second thought, if you can't keep track of your shoes, maybe the NBA isn't the best place to be). Same for Derrick Rose - though the fact that one of the defining moments of his college career was choking on game winning FTs in the National Championship game is a sour (yet HILARIOUS) note to end on, it's really hard to justify another year at Memphis.

But for MANY people in the draft, who are coming off questionable, disappointing, or just yawn-inducing years, you hope they get the message and enroll in summer classes ASAP. And until June 16th rolls around and some of these dudes file whatever paperwork they need to withdraw, I'm going to randomly dispense some advice to you individuals who have declared thus far (who probably aren't reading this unless you like to Google yourself as much as I Google Mike Beasley). And today, we're starting this thrilling series with the Texas Longhorns backcourt.

We're going to push aside the fact that Texas is the front-runner for national champs next year if the entire teams returns. We're also pushing aside the fact that Mr. Augustin claims he's only waiting to hire an agent in case he pulls a Brandon Rush. We're focusing on this: A.J. Abrams and D.J. Augustin combined to shoot 43% for the season (42 and 44 as individuals, respectively).

Now, who cares, right? They won 28 games, averaged a combined 35+ PPG (nearly half of the Longhorn's offense), and one half of the duo often picked up the slack for the other half when they were going through one of their customary slumps.

But in an offense like Texas', shooting percentage matters. Texas averages 60 shot attempts per game, and 21 3-pt attempts per game. It should be no shock to anyone who watched Kevin Durant at Texas as to why he averages 4 billion shots per game in the NBA. Because guards control these sorts of gunning offenses, guard production is obviously the most crucial to its success. And it can make them look like geniuses, or like fools...which both A.J. and D.J. experienced at numerous times throughout the season.

So to both of you:

A.J., YOU'RE THE SHOOTING GUARD...and you turned in so many 3-15 sort of performances that it's just laughable to justify you entering the draft. You're small, and you don't play like Allen Iverson (you know, taking 40 shots a game, but at least driving to the basket 20 times to create foul opportunities and such). Point is, if you're a shooting guard, and you ain't shooting it well...HA, good luck kid. At the same time, your averages haven't improved much in 3 years, so maybe what's the waste in seeing if you'll ever get better? So you hit 38% from 3 point range, big deal. Ronald Ramon and many others have too and they will only see the NBA if they watch it on TV. You do nothing else legitimately impressive, including not racking up assists despite being on a team that shoots 45% overall, not rebounding since you pretty much live on the perimeter, and not playing defense since, well, nobody does. And somehow, you forgot how to shoot free-throws this season. Don't hang out with Derrick Rose.

As for Mr. Augustin - yes, you have much going for you. I've often said I want your point guard babies - unlike A.J., you crash the lane like a pitbull, creating offensive opportunities for yourself and the team - easy lay-ins, finding Damion James cutting along the baseline, kicking back out to Abrams for open jumpers, etc. You're a GREAT point guard...you know how to create offense, find open men, pass well, etc etc. In fact, I agree with most that you're the second best PG in the draft class behind Rose (especially since half the projected PGs didn't play that position in college, like Russell Westbrook, and it's always ridiculous to attempt to project people out of position in the NBA), and I think your size matters little, as you clearly showed you have balls to play inside in the Big 12, which is a conference of NBA-bodies. However...you often get selfish, and at all the WRONG times, unlike other great scoring PGs like my MVP CP3, Steve Nash, etc. You define a streak shooter - you follow up your fiery 50+% shooting late in the Big 12 season with 34% shooting (20-58) in the NCAAs, including 4-18 in the Elite 8 loss to Memphis. My argument for all PGs is that they must know their role, and when it's time to score...and for someone like you, who has bluntly stated that you get out of shooting slumps by shooting more, you're not mature enough to get that yet. Even though you'll be a lotto pick, I'd hate to see you buried on an NBA bench when your coach gets pissed with you halfway through the season. You also need to work on your ball-handling - I mean, that kinda matters for a PG to you know, NOT turn the ball over.

And besides, pulling it back into the equation - you're championship contenders. Damion James was smart enough to come back. You have everything on your side Kansas did last year, and look how that turned out for them. This isn't UCLA, where people are coming in who WILL take your playing time (Sidenote: RUSSELL WESTBROOK AND DARREN COLLISION, RUN LIKE THE PLAGUE! MALCOLM LEE AND JRUE HOLIDAY HAVE ALREADY CLAIMED YOUR JOBS!) And besides, aren't you both from middle-class families? Yeah, no sob story excuses.

But if you take this all into consideration, I will definitely be leading the Texas-For-National-Champs bandwagon next season...especially because I love midgets like me.

Fangirl Friday Deuce

So I've been in transit for the last 2 weeks, making the ridiculous move from the Burgh to Bmore, which has been nothing short of mostly awful (hence my lack of posting about the pretty wonderful NBA playoffs and the NBA Draft early entry deadline). But it's all irrelevant when placed next to a story like this one.

To lead off this edition of Fangirl Friday (where the knowledge gets displaced in favor of salivating like the Bitches we still are despite our smarts for a full 24 hours!), nobody deserves it more than Tennessee Vols senior guard Chris Lofton. He was the building block for the current Vols team, a team that, without a doubt, truly embodied the idea of playing with heart even before this story was released. If you ever get a chance, YouTube or catch the Memphis/Tennessee game on ESPN Classic, undoubtedly the best college game in all of 07-08. That game glorified what makes college basketball (and all college sports) so wonderful - all 10 men on the court playing like every second mattered (which it should in every athletic event, but that's a rant we won't discuss). Despite the Vols streaky shooting and inability to defend the 3 throughout the season, this was a team that was able to be a national championship contender simply because they seemed to care about winning every game, even when overmatched. When Bruce Pearl is your coach, you don't expect much else.

And then you find out weeks later that Chris Lofton played the entire season basically about 6-10 months removed from being diagnosed with cancer. I am guilty, like many others, of accusing Lofton of playing half-assed after winning the SEC POY award in 06-07, and not looking ANYTHING like his old 3pt dagger shooting self. And of course, now it's clear. His stubborn pride to never reveal his health issues are admirable, and the battle he overcame, from the cancer to the criticism, is something few could ever have the strength to do. We here at Real Bitches, particularly myself and Ms Lauren (We're both leaders of the Bruce Pearl fan club), hope nothing more than for Lofton to get a shot at the NBA. A 3 point shooter is one of the most valuable things a team can have!





And now, onto the others...

From Lisa:

This is Joey JoJo John Joseph Harrington:



You may be most accustomed to seeing him like this:



He is perfection. Well, unless you're talking about quarterbacking, because he pretty much sucks at that.

From Laser Rocket Arm:

Personality has almost always trumped looks in the Whom I Find Hot contest, which is why I adore Nick Swisher. Even though there's times I want to yell DEAR GOD WHERE IS YOUR OFF SWITCH he's obviously having so much fun it's contagious. He runs face-first into outfield walls after catching fly balls, takes childlike delight in playing himself in a video game, seems to believe that facial hair can be an artistic expression and can bring out the best in even the biggest clubhouse asshole. Come on, he got Milton Bradley to DANCE with him. That's no small feat. But as seen by this picture, don't bug him when he's playing Guitar Hero. As a wise woman once said, bitches love Swish.



From Maggie, who is also having a craptacular week and deserves the love of this:

Fangirl Fridays are for generalized fangirling, right? Well, the thing you really need to know about me is that deep down, I'm a 12 year old boy at heart, and nothing gets my inner fangirl all twitterpated than a good, blockbuster adaptation of a comic book. This should explain in no small part why I rushed home, grabbed my husband, and flew out of the house in order to sit on my ass in a freezing cold movie theatre for two hours watching an action movie about a guy who drinks too much flying around in a shiny suit.

In my defense, that action movie was Iron Man, and this fangirl loves her some Tony Stark. Okay, yeah, sure, in the comics now, Tony's kind of a fascist prick, but in general? He's awesomely snarky and sarcastic and holy God, kind of awesome.

And so was the movie. Explosions! Pretty cars! Fights! CGI! Robert Downey, Jr. becoming inexplicably sexy when covered with sweat and sneering and pouring molten metal! You should all go see it. And you should stay until the end of the credits.

Whatever, here's the trailer. The movie's awesome. Go see it.



Aaaaaand thus concludes another fun-filled edition of Fangirl Friday, where athletes that suck can be appreciated for something, at least. We will resume all normal bitching and bantering shortly, including an exciting post by moi mocking everyone who is an asshole for declaring for the NBA Draft, and also the Suns for ever thinking trading for Shaq was a brilliant idea. Stay tuned!