SUCK IT, MAN U, AND SUCK IT, SIR ALEX (Soccer Saturday)

Chelsea? 2. (Both scored by Michael Ballack. I am guessing he won't need to buy his own pints around Blues supporters for quite some time after that shiny, shiny game.)

Manchester United? 1. (Scored by Wayne Rooney, my secret soccer sicksadwrong crush.)

Ronaldo? Riding pine for the first 3/4 of the game.

Look, I know nobody cares but Maggie about this shit, but this is the equivalent of the Red Sox making it to game 4 of the World Series, leading 3-0 and deciding that Manny Ramirez needs a day off. It's completely fucking inexplicable.

The frontrunning douchebags that support Man U have got to be absolutely livid. (It's worth noting, speaking of frontrunning douchebags, that the Yankees and Man U signed a ridiculous marketing pact back in 2001. Like attracts like, is all I'm saying.) I mean, a win would have killed Chelsea for the season. Hell, a draw would have put Man U solidly in position for the title.

But no. It was Ronaldo's turn for a day off, and so he sat. Well, he sat until partially through the second half when Ferguson figured out that perhaps he should play the guy that got them to this point and put him in as a replacement for Rooney. Unbelievable. How is there not rioting about this? (Wait, there probably is.)

As I complained about last night, we couldn't really watch the game stateside, so I didn't get to see it. Apparently, Nemenja Vidic was carried off the field after he split his lip in a collision with Didier Drogba's knee. I need to see this footage, people. Need.

I love soccer. It's so fucking violent. Case in point: I just watched Sunderland's Cameron Jones and Middlesbrough's Emanuel Pogatetz (who is now working on his second yellow card in about five minutes) knock heads so hard that I thought Jones was dead for a solid sixty seconds. Jones, for the record, is currently back in the game with a huge bandage wrapped around his head. (Seriously, Pogatetz is just stalking Jones now. It's kind of fucking creepy.)

Anyway, since I hate Man U about sixty times more than I hate Chelsea, let's salute Michael Ballack for his Superman-like performance against the Red Devils. Michael Ballack, I raise my Diet Coke to you, sir.



(I told you people you should watch more soccer. Dude's pretty.)

WHAT THE HELL, FOX SOCCER CHANNEL?

Okay, look, Fox Soccer Channel. I've offered to bear your tiny digital babies before, since you let me roll out of bed every Saturday morning and watch nothing but soccer all day long. EPL, Italian League, MLS, you name it. I can fall asleep watching you and dream of nothing but sweaty men with clearly defined calf muscles running around and shouting.

But seriously, I kind of love you. I mean, I'm an Arsenal supporter, and Lord knows you've fallen all over yourself to provide me with nothing but Arsenal matches all season. This lady's not going to complain.

Here's a question, though. This weekend? Is Chelsea/Manchester United. And it's kind of a Big Fucking Deal. And what are you airing?

Day/Date	Home/Visitor	Kickoff (ET)
Sat./April 26	Sunderland/Middlesbrough	10:00 AM
Sat./April 26	Tottenham/Bolton	12:00 PM*
Sat./April 26	Wigan/Reading	2:00 PM*
Sun./April 27	Everton/Aston Villa	11:00 AM

EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME? The clincher for the Prem is airing and you're going to make me watch Tottenham and Bolton? I...I don't even understand.

Here's the clincher, kids. The title deciding fucking game of the entire Premiere League is getting shuttled off to their secondary cable network. How secondary is the network? So secondary that there are exactly two pubs in the entire Philadelphia region that even carry the fucking channel.

I can't even begin to wrap my brain around this, you guys. This is like the Super Bowl being carried on the NFL Network.

Whatever, have a picture of Wayne Rooney, because at least he's a fucking thug. Note: He's not remotely hot, and I apologize for that, but I kind of love him anyway. Tell no one.

Note: I'm actually hoping for a plane to land on the stadium and take out both teams.