Ode to April

“April is the cruellest month. . .” declares T.S. Eliot in the opening line of The Waste Land. Mr. Eliot, I presume, was neither a gardener nor a sports fan. April is the best time for both gardening and sports, because there is always hope. Hope that your team plays better than last year. Hope that your team can survive for another game. Hope that the come-from-behind victory can and will happen. Hope that the rabbits don't eat your hostas...again.

So, April, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

1. Baseball. After a long winter, regular-season baseball arrives in at the start of April. Sure, spring training started earlier, but now the rosters are set, the fields are well-groomed, and the games count. And games that count make me happy. It’s a long season, after all. You can never start winning too early.

2. Stanley Cup Playoffs. Despite being a winter sport, the NHL is still going strong in April. The playoffs are, in my opinion, the most exciting part of the long hockey season. Does it get better than two overtime Game 7s on the same day? My answer is: No, especially if both your teams win.

3. NFL Draft. The draft is my absolute favorite thing about the NFL. The first-round hype! The meaningless analysis! The countless tickers on ESPN! Mel Kiper, Jr.’s hair! Also, I love the [useless] combine stats, the unpredicted picks, and the overly-invasive ‘sideline’ reporters. Really, though, the draft appeals to my primal need to organize, categorize, and plan.

4. Soccer. April is always a crazy soccer month. Teams in the English Premier League are either fighting for the top spots or struggling to avoid relegation, which means every match counts for something. All the major European leagues are underway, and the most of South American leagues are in mid-season. Not only that, the quarter-finals of Champions League and the semi-finals of the UEFA Cup take up the mid-week slots. MLS has started, too, but with all the other soccer options...who cares?

5. NBA Playoffs. I’m not usually a basketball fan. The game doesn’t appeal to me, for a variety of reasons, and I don’t pay much attention during the rest of the year. However, April brings the NBA playoffs, and the increased intensity makes the game more exciting somehow. I’m suddenly interested in Steve Nash and Carmelo Anthony, and I can’t seem to tear myself away. I have no explanation.

6. The Masters. The Masters is a Spring rite of passage, and during that week, Augusta is where I want to be [not that they’d let me play—but let’s table that discussion for another time]. The rolling fairways, the trimmed greens, the precarious pin placements in the final round—The Masters is the epitome of golf. And, really, any time Tiger is playing, you might just see magic.

7. Racing. [FYI, I’m not a NASCAR fan. And NASCAR started way back in February, so it totally doesn’t count.] Open-wheel racing begins in late March, making April an exciting time for motorsports. This year, April is a month that matters, with the merger of IndyCar and CART [it’s about time], Danica Patrick’s IndyCar win, and the fact that Formula 1 finally made it to a reasonable time zone. [I know Australia and Malaysia have great tracks, but I need to sleep some time, and F1 doesn’t hit my favorite track until late May, anyway.] Still, race day gives me a thrill. You never know what can happen when you combine very fast machinery and large amounts of testosterone [Ms. Patrick excluded, of course].

Now April is coming to end; three more days and May will be upon us. Seasons will end, teams will lose, and some sports will lose their spring luster. And as sad as I'll be when all that happens, I do need some time to catch up on my gardening.

Liveblogging the NFL Draft with Mags and Lisa, Part IV

Maggie: Aqib Talib is a pothead? I kind of love this.

Lisa: HAHA. REDSKINS GOT PWNED

Maggie: WAIT, WHAT HAPPENED?

Lisa: Aw, Sean Taylor. They just replayed the Pats/Skins game. The 52-7one.

Maggie: Oh. That game was beautiful.

Lisa: Sean Taylor still makes me sad.

Maggie: Well, it's kind of a whole depressing thing. Has it been, like, a half an hour since the last pick, or is it just me?

Lisa: It seems like it. GOD DAMN, QUIT TRADING. Sam Baker looks Amish.

Maggie: What the FUCK is Atlanta doing? GOD DAMN, WHY ARE YOU THROWING PICKS AFTER THIS? Wait, have we seriously not seen any WRs drafted?

Lisa: I do not believe we have, no.

Maggie: THAT? Is deeply strange.

Lisa: This draft is kind of boring.

Maggie: You're just bored because you can't mock Brady Quinn this year.

Lisa: There's NO ONE to mock this year. Very sad. Oh, here we go. This had better not be a trade.

Maggie: For real. I will cut a bitch. Dude, Felix Jones looks like he's forty years old.

Lisa: He does. Perhaps we have another Miguel Tejada on our hands.

Maggie: I think we have to. No way is that guy 23 or under.

Lisa: Perhaps we need to do some investigative journalism.

Maggie: Like what? 'Hey, anyone know how old Felix Jones is?' Oh, hey, Steelers drafted a running back. Sweet.

Lisa: I fell asleep for a minute, this draft is so boring.

Maggie: This is, in fact, boring as shit. How many fucking picks do we have left in the first round.

Lisa: Devin Thomas looks pissed at the world. Eight. What is the purpose of Keyshawn's tie clip?

Maggie: To make my brain bleed. Why is he SHOUTING? And why is his pocket square green? Nothing else in that outfit is even close to green.

Lisa:To match the color of nausea one feels when they see his outfit. And the little checks on his shirt are green. It's GREEN GINGHAM, for God's sake.

Maggie: Okay, they look navy. I have been fooled by the gingham.

Lisa: Does Chris Johnson have gold teeth?

Maggie: Either that, or a terrible dentist. Jesus. Note: Still no Devin Thomas selection. I feel like he might start getting a little mad if they keep putting him on camera.

Lisa: Even I feel bad, and I enjoy other people's misery.

Maggie: Seriously, wasn't he supposed to go, like, fifteen picks ago? Aqib the pothead went before him. And this is officially the dumbest conversation ever on my TV. Drafted wide receivers rarely make an immediate impact? SAY IT AIN'T SO.

Lisa: Seriously, all I hear is 'BLAH BLAH BAL, BLAH!'

Maggie: Oh, poor DeSean Jackson, playing with his phone, like, 'Well, maybe it's broken.'

Lisa: Houston should take him. Wait, LIMAS SWEED? WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THESE NAMES?

Maggie: I have no idea. Dallas takes Mike Jenkins and we STILL haven't drafted a single WR. What the fish?

Lisa: It's an overrated position.

Maggie: Still. Apparently, this is the year of the defensive back. Is it funny or horrifying that Seattle gets Pearl Jam for its music?

Lisa: Horrifying.

Maggie: Which makes it funny. Oh, GOD, this is the longest first round ever.

Lisa: Horrifying is always funny. Unless it's a clown or a tweezer to the eye.

Maggie: Thank you for that eye image. I'm calling you at 3 AM when I can't sleep.

Lisa: I wish the Germ would get traded already. Can you fail a physical because of herpes?

Maggie: No. Just ask Ron Mexico.

Lisa: I think prison physicals are less stringent. Like, they only involve a glove and a finger.

Maggie: Mmm. Smells like romance.

Lisa: Smells like ghetto romance.

Darren McFadden and Felix Jones, or your newest Raider and Cowboy, respectively. Yep. I'm going to get a lot of mileage out of this one.

Liveblogging the Draft with Mags and Lisa, Part III

MaggieI think Chris Berman is mocking Arizona. I think it's awesome.

LisaI hate them all. Dude, that suit.It gets worse with time.

Maggie: I keep hoping it's all been a hallucination brought on by too many hot wings and too much beer.

Lisa: I have had neither, and I can see it.

Maggie: Shit. There goes that dream.

Lisa: Mel Kiper Jr. reminds me of Sam Eagle from the Muppets.

Maggie: Exactly this. Except a little more dweeby. Like Sam Eagle with a pocket protector.

Lisa: Time for Matt Millen's annual fuckup. Which WR shall we take this year?

Maggie: Maybe they'll shock us and do something effective. Maybe the rivers will run red with blood, too.

Lisa:Well, Jon Kitna IS thisclose to Jesus. So it's possible.

Maggie: That's true. They are BFFs. I bet they'd braid each other's hair if Kitna had any. Oh, here we go. What? The Lions drafted Cherilus? Tackle. Well.

Lisa: GODSDER? SERIOUSLY? You should name your first child XOSDER. You know, for Red Sox.

Maggie: I totally should. And then I should name my second one 'My mom is a dumbass.'

Lisa: I like it.

Maggie: Sweet damn, Joe Flacco has one eyebrow.

Lisa: HELLO, UNIBROW. Kyle Boller, watch your butt. I will be as well. ZING!

Oh, Flaccos, you should not be this excited about your son moving to Baltimore. Trust me.

Maggie: How in the hell does UDel have a 1st round QB? This hurts my soul.

Lisa: Did these people have a Ravens hat standing by?

Maggie: I would imagine they bought all of them, just in case. I mean, the kid's about to get paid, it's not like they can't afford it.

Lisa: But...hats are expensive.

Maggie: Kid's about to get PAID.

Lisa: Well, maybe he can afford an eyebrow wax.

Maggie: UGH. Tell me I didn't just hear an Eagles chant. I hate that chant. I hate that chant with every fiber of my dark and twisted soul. And how fucking SHOCKING, Philly gets the 'Rocky' theme as their music. Shut up, all of you.

Lisa: I really hate Ron Jaworski.

Maggie: I'm not allowed to hate him. They kill people for that in Philly. Why do you think we have such a high murder rate? PS: Every one of those Eagles fans have been drunk since Thursday. Aaaaaaaaaaaand they trade the pick. Shocking. What the fuck did we even get for that? I say 'we' like I don't hate the Eagles.

Lisa: You get to suck it, Philly.

Maggie: Oh, the military is on stage. I was wondering what was up with the U!S!A! chant. What's with the guy in the Texas jersey? Does Texas love America more than the rest of us? Wait, what is with that trade? Oh, dear, I think the Eagles just did something vaguely smart. I don't think I can handle this.

You guys. Seriously. The eyebrows.

Liveblogging the Draft with Mags and Lisa, Part II

Lisa: If my internet doesn't stop cutting out I will cut a bitch. Lauren just came in here and said, "What in the fuck is Keyshawn wearing?"

Maggie: That's awesome. Who are they booing? Oh, the Patriots are up. FUCK ALL Y'ALL, HATERS. Wait, we drafted Jerod Mayo? It is going to HURT MY SOUL to root for a dude form Tennessee.

Lisa: Fangirl whore

Maggie: Well, fuck you, too.

Lisa: Not you, dumbass, the actual fangirl whore they just showed clapping her hands.

Maggie: Oh, okay. In that case, I concur. Fuck that dumb bitch.

Lisa: At least she wasn't wearing pink.

Maggie: First person to make a wiseass comment about a black dude playing in Boston gets punched.

Lisa: I never knew until this season that Boston had a racist stigma.

Maggie: Yeah, well. Haters need fuel. Motherfuckers.

Lisa: Jesus Christ, that suit. Looking at Keyshawn's suit must be what people felt like when they first saw the Wizard of Oz in technicolor.

Maggie: I cannot even begin to DEAL with that suit. I also cannot deal with the fact that I just thought to myself 'Self, Steve Young is a good looking man.'

Lisa: But he IS, Mags. There is nothing disturbing about it.

Maggie: Yeah, but it's STEVE YOUNG. I hate the 49ers.

Lisa: He is no longer a 49er. Leodis McKelvin to Buffalo? Leodis? The hell?

Maggie: I don't even know who that is, but Leodis might be my new favorite name ever.

Lisa: It is awesome, I will give you that

Maggie: I DO NOT CARE ABOUT AUTO RACING. DRAFT, FUCKERS, DRAFT. Also, I'm just going to mock those Chicago fans. Seriously, it's a special kind of awesome when your team drafts a brand new tackle with their first pick and the camera cuts to the fans who are all 'Who?' Poor Chris Williams. Oh, look, they're playing the tomahawk chop music for the Chiefs. How deliciously racist.

Jerod Mayo is very happy about getting to play for the Pats. As he should be. Shut up, haters.

Liveblogging the NFL Draft with Mags and Lisa

Maggie: SHIT, I'm sorry, I missed the first three picks. To recap: Booing Jake Long is always required, nobody cares about Chris Long and it was probably kind of dumb of the Falcons to waste that pick on Matt Ryan, right?

Lisa: Sweet shit, Darren McFadden. He's going to be a misfit and a half. Also, re: Miami - I would not call Josh McCown a key addition.

Maggie: I can't believe he went FOURTH. I mean, DARREN MCFADDEN? He's a hot mess.

Lisa: I love it when these guys cry.

Maggie: Jets are up. Also, I think Chad Pennington's family made up that 12% of the poll. 'Do the Jets need to improve their quarterback situation?' 88% yes, 12% no. Who the hell says no there? Who? Well, damn, so Vernon Gholston is going to be a bust, then. Good to know. Shockey get traded yet?

Lisa: Nope. Should be in the next hour or so.

Right about here is where the crowd started booing the Pats pick.

Lisa: HA HA HA HA HA OH man

Maggie: Oh, shut it, ya fuckin' haters.

Lisa: It's not technically hating when they lost. Although it was hating earlier in the season when I was full swing. I want to make out with Michael Smith.

Maggie: Yespls. Immediate-style.

Lisa: TRADE THAT PICK YOU ASSHOLES. I hate Mel Kiper, Jr.

Maggie: I hate his fucking hair. FUCK YES, thank you. Trade that pick. What did we get for that? I missed that.

Lisa: I don't think they mentioned. Boomer just said they don't have details yet. LOL THIS DUDE IS IN EDGEWOOD, MD. GHETTO. Lake Mary is nice though. WHAT IN THE SHIT IS KEYSHAWN WEARING?

Maggie: I KNOW. GODDAMN. MY VIRGIN EYES.

Lisa: IT'S NOT JUST THE TIE, MAN. I mean, wear that shit separately. Not together.

Maggie: It's KEYSHAWN. Are you looking for good fashion choices? KEY. SHAWN.

Lisa: I haven't seen him wear anything too bad. I mean, he's not Michael Irvin.

Maggie: Or Deion Sanders.

Lisa: Jaguars? Traded to get to Derrick Harvey? Jesus.

Maggie:...huh. Kiiiiiinda dumb, Jacksonville. I wonder what they had to give up to jump up that high.

Lisa: He looks like a convict.

Maggie: Probably is. I mean, he played for Florida.

Lisa: Who is that douchebag in the bandana behind him? He looks like Leif Garret.

Maggie: And here I was thinking Richie Sambora. OH MY GOD, JACKSONVILLE, YOU ARE RETARDED. DID YOU GIVE UP EVERY PICK YOU HAVE TO GET TO DERRICK FUCKING HARVEY? I need a beer to deal with this stupidity.

I'd like to do my impression of the Bengals fans currently on my TV upon discovering that they'd just drafted Keith Rivers. Bengals fans: 'Well. Huh.'

Lisa: Way to be lifeless, Bengals fans.

Maggie: Well, it's Cincinnati. What do you expect? I'd be lifeless, too. I'm still busy being horrified at Jacksonville.

Meet Arizona's newest QB, Philly-local-boy-makes-good, Matt Ryan:

You ain't seen nothing yet, but show me the money anyway

With the NFL draft bearing down upon us, I am once again reminded of a huge pet peeve of mine that shows no signs of going away and every sign of getting worse—draft picks holding out for more millions on top of guaranteed money. Every year you read or hear about some kid with a hugely inflated sense of self-worth basically extorting a team that in most cases has already made him a millionaire without playing one second of professional sports. Worse, the teams let the players—or, more to the point, their agents—hold them hostage. Every time I see this I swear that I’m going to go in to my boss and said “you know, I’m gonna be awesome, why don’t you just pay me like I already am?”

Since no major league baseball player immediately starts in the big leagues it’s less of an issue, but football and basketball? Stop the freaking madness. Playing sports is a job, and if you’re going to give someone tens of millions of dollars before he even sets foot on a field or court what the hell kind of motivation is he going to have to play well? That’s right—zero. You would think with the amount of times the NFL has been burned on top draft choices—overall the NBA has had more success with their bonus babies—they’d stop and say “hey, maybe we should see what this kid can do before making it rain for him.” Nope. Add in that many times these are young men from bad parts of the world with no sort of life skills, and it’s time to crack the beer and enjoy the train wreck.

Signing bonuses have been around in various sports for half a century, and it’s certainly a team’s prerogative to sweeten the pot with upfront money to gain a coveted player. But if it were up to me, NO rookie would be allowed to hold out. Come in, I’ll pay you the league minimum (in the NFL last year that was $285,000, which ain’t chump change) and you show me what you can do. You play up to your potential, then we’ll start negotiating. Until then STFU, n00b, and go watch game film. And let me bitchslap your greedy agent while I’m at it.

ETA--since graphics are required let us all relive one of the best bits of unintentional comedy ever, colossal draft bust Ryan Leaf flipping out in the Chargers' locker room. At least he didn't hold out.