Grr. Argh. Not again, with this game.

I just posted a whole big rant about the Sox/Yanks series starting tonight, but Blogger ate it. It's a fucking shame, too, because that was some prolific and edifying motherfucking prose, and now it's gone.

Let me boil it down for you:

1) We know this rivalry is overhyped and annoying. Trust us. We're at the center of the storm, and the next time we hear 'storied,' 'historic,' 'heated' or 'rivalry' used in any combination, we're going to punch someone.

2) I am not particularly happy with this particular version of the Red Sox, since Manny Ramirez has gone douchebag, Papi's still broken, Jason Varitek couldn't hit Kate Smith in the ass with a banjo, Mike Timlin shouldn't be allowed near a bag of resin (much less a pitching mound) and Julio Lugo is trying to kill me. Factor in that Jon Lester (pitching tonight) is coming off his worst start of the season (thanks, fucker- you booted me out of first in my fantasy league) and I want to hide behind my couch while fantasizing about making out with Josh Beckett and his fastball. What?

3) I find this A-Rod/Madonna/Cynthia Rodriguez/Lenny Kravitz saga ridiculous, if only because it would make more sense if Slappy was hooking up with Lenny. But then, A-Rod is big into the stripper-looking trannies, and Madge isn't looking so hot these days, four minutes to save the world notwithstanding.

4) Really, I'm just hoping for a fight. Like this one. Come on, y'all, my birthday's coming.

Keep. It. In. Your. Pants. Please.

Question: Does anybody but Maggie care about soccer if I tell you a story about drugs and a trio of tranny prostitutes and a three-time FIFA world footballer of the year? Can I get you to care then?

So yes. Ronaldo (AC Milan, not Man U, sadly) drops his girlfriend off, goes and picks up three hookers, does some drugs, if you believe the hookers, and then flips shit when he discovered that his hookers came with a bonus feature. And I am left laughing my ass off, because...really? Three tranny hookers? I mean, one was enough for Eddie Murphy. (Note: If Cristiano Ronaldo ever gets caught with three tranny hookers, you will hear my whoops of sheer glee from space, because I hate that bastard and I hope he hurts himself in spectacular fashion in just enough time to lose Man U the championship. And I'm an Arsenal supporter, so the fact that I want Chelsea to win? Should say something.)

Look, I know it's no 'Roger Clemens took a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL to his hotel room the night he met her, but they totally waited until she was legal to have sex. No, seriously. Why are you looking at me like that?' (Which, side note: Euuurrrrrgh. Seriously. I can't even mock it any more, because I am far too fucking grossed out and depressed by the entire thing. Like, where the fuck were her parents? What the fuck was he thinking? And who picks up a fifteen year old girl and takes her to his hotel room? This ain't Thailand, Rog. We have laws against that.)

And hey, speaking of inappropriateness with the youngsters and kicking it up a notch for it being your own daughter, does someone want to explain to me why Hulk Hogan appears to be rubbing sunblock on his own daughter's ass? I just...I quit. I can't do this any more.

My point is, this week has been a bit crazy for athletes that can't keep their dick in their pants. I'd advise noted manwhore Kyle Farnsworth to maybe keep it zipped up while he serves his suspension for nearly beaning Manny Ramirez. Who knows what could happen if that crazy motherfucker got into trouble? I'm guessing it would involve several surface to air missiles, an army of midgets, at least six donkey shows and a trumpet, just for fun.

Here, have a picture of reformed manwhore Pat Burrell. (I say reformed only because he's a newlywed. I don't really believe it.) That's not sweat glinting off his shoulders. That's the funny syphilis.